I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Randomize
