Don't make out with my wife yet
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
