you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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