Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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