it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so let's talk penis.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
