I want you more than these girls want KFC
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
