Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
