Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
