Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i just had sex bonerless
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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