They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i barfeds in our rink
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
