I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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