and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
