Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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