After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
