girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
