yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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