Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
