"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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