Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
