you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
