I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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