we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
