he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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