this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
