I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
