Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
