I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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