I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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