i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
