I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
