when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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