He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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