oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
3pm strippers are depressing
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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