he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
