Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
