she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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