hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
