my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
