Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
