i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you didnt know i had herpes?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
