her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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