UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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