Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
