A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
