My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
