My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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