he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
