She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
