Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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