i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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