i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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