I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
