Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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