my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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