I heard we made out
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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